Not for ever or for ages

It is highly entertaining to come back and discover something you have written so many years before still hanging in the digital universe. 

What fun to realize that I can just write and it will still be here as a memory of what I was experiencing in this time and place.

So I'm 56 now - still addicted to purple and completely aware that time is passing in the blink of an eye so why not devour every opportunity to be creative. 

This is my weight today - I weigh the measure of my words. They are heavy on my tongue and fingers. They want to find the world, an audience, a place. I have been listening to Jameela Jamil's podcast and I do like the idea of repositioning the concept of weight to be so many other things. A little Egyptian if you please - the measure of the life I have lived (or would like to be living). So my life this year is going to be measured in the words I transport onto pages - digital and physical - it is going to be the stories I tell - it is going to be mine. It is going to be a celebration of everything I want to tell the people who matter about what I feel and how I want to be. Bring on the scales - I have words to offer.

Ahh another year is moving past.

I often make resolutions to stick by something and usually what I find I have resolved to do is to not be resolved to do anything.

It is so easy as I wake up in the morning with the day stretching infinitely before me to believe that all will be solved and that I have this whole 'life' thing under control.It is as the hours tick away during the day and the night terrors loom closer that I start to find it harder to breath and more difficult to put one foot in front of the other.

Don't get me wrong I like this living thing and there is joy in every day but there is also a degree of fear that today is the day that someone will realise that I have no idea what I'm doing - I'm just winging it as a wife, mother, friend, teacher, human. I know what it is I meant to be saying and doing but sometimes that little voice says 'yeah, but do you really?'

A couple of years ago I felt compelled to write for 100 days on facebook only posting positive ideas and material so now I have decided to come back to this blog and start to see if I can generate a little of a positive direction for myself. I honestly thought that by the time I reached 50 and beyond I would have this living thing pretty sussed out but nope got that wrong. Writing is my way of working it all out - squishing the wrongness into a more manageable mess.

I do, in my more rational moments, think that it is okay to get it a little wrong? What does it matter if my approach to life is emotional and loud? Am I truly hurting anyone? But then other times I just feel like I take up a little too much space - I need to be smaller and less obvious.

Here on the page I guess I can be whomever I choose to be. I can be purple and proud. I can be creative, imaginative and slightly crazy (yes, slightly is probably a poor choice of description.) I can be serious and reflective. I can say what sometimes only skitters past at the back of my mind. I can remember to celebrate all that is wonderful and sympathize with all that is not.

There is an interesting quote that I think I could work with from Oscar Wilde.'Some cause happiness wherever they go; others cause happiness whenever they go.' I think I would prefer to be the first even though sometimes it feels like the later.

Here's to happiness of all kinds - there is still plenty of it out in the world. A smile, a puppy (or kitten), a scent, a meal, children, a shared moment, success for ourselves or others,  Now if I could just get the year to go a little slower it would all be a little easier.

Starting Again

I have had a little wake-up call over the weekend; not one of those big epiphanies, just more like a gentle nudge.

Someone, of whom I am very fond, had a health scare and suddenly my priorities have seem to have been in not quite the right places.

Why do we wait sometimes for the perfect moment to call someone, start something or sort that thing out. Why not just do...

I guess it comes down to life getting in the way of life but it doesn't really make sense. I have a Peanut cartoon that points out that life is not really a dress rehearsal - you don't get to have any day, hour or minute again. It is just now and you have to live it to the best of your ability.

So here's to the sunrises and sunsets that we should take the time to enjoy. Here's to the smiles that we create and those small aha moments that we experience. Here's to savoring that taste and wallowing in that emotion.

Here's to starting whatever it is we need to start right now - one foot forward at a time.

Tomorrow has definitely become today.

Anyone Anyone Anyone

I'm having a moment of curiousity. I wonder if anyone is actually reading my words.
I don't know that I'm that concerned about an audience for my thoughts, rants and random ramblings but it's nice to wonder if someone somewhere reads and smiles for a moment, thinks for a second or even nods slightly in agreement.

Blogging is an interesting exercise because it is a way to write and explore anything. I'm sure some people get it just right but on day 12 (well technically 11 because of my day of no writing) I'm still trying to find my voice and work out what I want to achieve with this blog.

I like purple. In fact, I'm rather addicted to the colour. As I enter a shop my eyes automatically gravitate towards this colour in all its hues. Stationary shops are particular favourites of mine because they often have whole sections dedicated to my colour. Purple pens abound by the dozens in my household.

My other favourite use of purple is through my hair and this is becoming much easier to achieve. There is something very satisfying and refreshing about colouring my hair with various shades of purple. It brings me a gentle joy and delights some of the young people in my life. I have a reputation that I have come to uphold of being an intensely purple person. It's kind of like being a lavendar superhero.

So maybe my blog is just as simple - a way to colour my life with words. That will do for now. That will do.

Fads and Fashions

It has become the thing at the moment in education that we should develop a very 'human' relationship with our students - show them we care, that we have an interest in their lives.

Well wow, shock, horror, amazement - tell me something I don't know.

I have always taught from a position of I am interested in these children, students, young people and I want to learn from them as they learn from me. I really really really don't want to be told how I should feel about my job and the emotion I should bring to it. I find it disrespectful and demeaning. People should teach in a manner that works for them and that works for their students. It has to come from where they are at and not where some person in admin thinks they should be teaching from.

It makes my back teeth grind and my face do that terrible screwy up thing every time someone stands in front of me and starts doing the 'love your students' talk. Do they hear themselves at all?

Just as every student has their own preferred learning style, teachers are individuals who must find the way that they teach best. Yes, it is valid to remind us to respect and nurture students but don't make it a one size fits all kind of caring. I just want to get into the classroom and get on with it. I want to enjoy learning and value teaching. I want to go into my classroom and see students engaged with their own views of the world. When I can't do that anymore then I'm going out to make coffees or help people shop for a good book or any hundred other things that are out there.

So please people who are at the top of the teaching totem pole, let me do my job cause guess what I know how to do it well and I really do care.

Mottos & Mantras

I like mantras. They make me feel like I'm going to achieve something, that I'm reaching for a goal, starting afresh.

It's quite silly in some respects but in others it shows how powerful words can be. We really like to find that something to hold onto. Those words inspire us to stick to our guns and keep trying.

I always have this idea of wiping the slate clean and beginning again - starting fresh to reach that end point.

I'm sincerely trying that in all aspects of my life at the moment. It is good to learn from past mistakes but its not good to be burdened down by them. I'm happy to be fifty but I don't want to believe that the best is done with yet. I am shaped and a little scarred by what fifty years has done to me but I'm hopeful of what the next fifty might bring.

I want to write, read, walk and breath. I want to love my husband, see my children find their bliss, help my family and friends move into their future paths. I want to try new challenges and travel new places. I want to sit on a beach in the early morning and know I'm home.

Anytime you say yes to something you are saying no to something else. And conversely every time you say no to something you are saying yes to something else.

I like this saying - I like the potential of the decision - the opportunity that is held completely in my hands.

Today I make decisions - Today I will say yes to so many things and no to others.
 

How exciting that can be!

Just Breathe

Breathe!

I'm all about the breathing. So often I feel like I'm holding my breath and don't even realise this until suddenly all at once when I do breathe I feel the tension leave my body and a weird calmness takes it's place.

We spend so much time waiting for when it's the right time to  relax and enjoy the moment that too frequently we miss the opportunities altogether.

This 100 days I'm determined to remember to breath -I'm not going to get it right all the time but I am going to remember to breathe. There is something quite magical about breathing - we do it so instinctively so maybe this is a bit of a signpost of how we should live our lives.

My sister made a good comment today about something my dad used to say, the sun will come up again tomorrow. So true. No matter what goes right or wrong the day passes, the moment moves on and we keep living. I guess it means that getting hung up on stuff doesn't change anything. We will be breathing regardless.

I think that sometimes we find it so easy to spend money, have things, fill our world with stuff when all we need is each other, the basics and breathing.

I'm really trying to find ways to spend less - it just should not be that difficult. Food, petrol, bills - what else is really necessary - ah yes, the internet! Well it takes time to break bad habits but these 100 days are for taking a good hard look at things and seeing how they can be worked around or turned towards a better path.

Right, breathing is a good place to start. I'm going to concentrate on that today.